Yesterday, I was so agitated since my psychiatrist appointment, so much so that my blood pressure was 160/100 at the last check in spite of taking 2 different blood pressure medicines...

The mental health clinic that I use has gotten a new clinician for this county... Ive had 3 different doctors (they utilize physician assistants in combination with the licensed doctors) in the past 3-6 months... My first one left for maternity and decided not to come back... The second was just filling in while they searched for the newest one... The current one is very opinionated and thinks that her ideas are the only truth...


Instead of asking me how my meds were in the beginning, her opening statement was actually a question inquiring what was in my fountain cup from the convenience store... She continued with telling me how Im not supposed to drink that, and how I need to lose weight... How the almost 100 pounds that Ive lost isnt good enough... How I need to exercise more (HELLO I HAVE A WIDE SPREAD CHRONIC PAN DISEASE - thanks though)...


She went on for most of the camera time (our clinic also utilizes a system that allows doctors have sessions via webcam) about my weight... she took all of 2 minutes near the end to ask if my meds are working out for me... By that point, I was totally done with the appointment and her...


I went in with a playful tone hoping to connect with someone who was like minded, or at least a little forgiving with a strong desire to help me find my way to balance (that is rather hard for someone who is bipolar)... Instead of that, I got the Hitler of the weight police... Needless to say, I dont want her as a primary care physician, I have one of those already... The only reason I would want to see her is to correct or continue my current psych meds... 


I will either be given another doctor at the clinic, or I will find another clinic... I will not sit there and let her attack my physical appearance... I told her that I was not interested in seeing her if she was going to keep attacking me the way she was... UUUGGGHHH!!!! Yes, I was, in fact, uncomfortable with the way she was talking to me.. *rolls her eyes*

Ive been trying to figure out what to write about in my blog for days now, unfortunately, Im just not so sure that I want to be as vulnerable as I am in my handwritten journal that others are less likely to read... 

I realized yesterday that I forget appointments, all the time, and even when I remember them, Im almost never on time... I hate the way my illness limits me... I remember the name of the hotel in one of the Revenge of the Nerds movies that the nerds stayed at, but cant remember when to see my therapist even when I get printouts, mark it on a paper calender, and store it in my phones calender with an alarm... 

I hate feeling like a flake... I hate making plans, because its highly probable that I will have to change or cancel said plans... While I know those that love or care about me understand, Im not so sure how long or how many times they will continue to want to be with me because of my inability to commit...

It breaks my heart to have to miss Emalee's school stuff, like parties... I want to volunteer for her class, I want to go on class trips... I want to see the things that excite her... I just hope that she doesnt resent me when shes older because Im a flake...

Fibromyalgia SUCKS!!!

Well I finally got my profile to where Im happy with it, for now anyway... Now Im going to lay in bed and attempt sleep... Perhaps, I will get into the habit of blogging quickly, but we know that it now takes me 30% longer to learn new things... *shrugs her shoulders and sighs* Goodnight my fellow bloggers...

Ok, so Im new to blogging... Ive recently started keeping a journal. Im still not remembering to do it everyday, but I thought if it were on the pc, I would be less likely to forget... Of course, doing both is an option as well... So, here goes nothing - Lets Blog!!!